I don’t know how to deal with fears, have no clue about the appropriate acceptable behavior in case I’m scared. So what do I do? I put up a brave face, wear my strong woman pants, sport the brightest smile, apply the loudest of lipsticks and Pretend. Pretend that I am In control, of myself and my surroundings, and the façade I hide behind shriveled and insecure is so marvelously flawless. I am the princess of pretentia. Trust me, it is not an easy job.
We all feel vulnerable at times, support we need, and reassurance we seek. Being frightened is not cool, not acceptable, all my life I have been told to keep calm and be brave, and with that Bravado, I have survived, now it has become my trademark, I am a BRAVE Woman. And I do feel proud of the fact. Do I think I am brave?? No, Brave enough to recognize and identify my fears?? May be, Terrified that someday the whole world will find out what a sissy I am? Hell Yes……
What exactly is fear, according to oxford dictionary, fear is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
What is that I am most scared of?? I ask myself this question every day, and the answer makes me panic. I am scared of being alone, so I surround myself with people, all the time. Does that make me comfortable? On surface, obviously yes, but deep down the fear of not having them when I am down or in need, haunts me. Isn’t it a cliché? I am lonely, and I have a lot of friends, I am insecure and I have an aura of extreme self-assurance, I am a coward so I am stupidly Brave and reckless. The fabric of my thoughts is weaved in a very contradictory fashion.
This Fear/Bravado axis operates on a deeper level, much deeper, it makes me run away from people I love, scared that they will leave me scarred, it turns me into a heart breaker. Living alone, I can handle, actually I have become quite good at it, ending up alone…………..Dont ask, do not even go there. That is one thing I am terribly afraid of. A few days back, I read about a woman, who died alone and her body was found after three years, no one knew she died. I cried, not wanting to end up like her, I imagined her soul staring at her decomposing body, as it sat there, with un opened Christmas presents and a heap of mail, the sound of a TV still on, tuned to BBC 1. What did I do then? I denied, the fact that I felt so sorry, so disturbed, so shocked……I blamed her of being responsible of her own loneliness. Yes, shame on me, I did that.
The track record of my life proves that I have to face my worst fears, Always. The dreams that come true are often the nightmares.
Right now, I am scared of dying alone…………..
30th June, 2013.