It is never a good idea to meet your ex. Especially when he is gorgeously good looking and you are still a bit hung up on him. It is hard to forget the times you have shared. Breaking up is not easy, it breaks you up. It is like getting into a chain accident on highway every single morning. It’s a tough, tough job.
But an idiot I am, I agreed to meet him, well, to be honest, I still can’t say “No” to him. Yesterday, he was waiting for me outside the ginormous monstrosity of steel, concrete and glass, I call my office, in a crap beaten up car. And the minute I sat inside with him, I forgot. I forgot the pain, the misery, the fact that I am nearly broke, my hair are looking like a birds nest, my nail color is chipped, and I haven’t got a clue what do I want to do with my life. Nothing existed but him, and me. All I knew was I belonged, to that lie….that moment was ours.
As he drove me home, the sky seemed more blue, the air felt less polluted, the chaos of traffic suddenly got organized, even the rickshaws and rehras on Raiwind Road looked pretty………The questions in my head stopped popping up…… All the missing pieces of the puzzle fell in place and the whole universe made perfect sense………… It felt like being in a Karan Johar movie………… it was familiar…. calm, quiet, comforting………
His hands, his stubble, pewter eyes still piercing, the curl of his lips dangerous with a little crusting herpes sore, his arms, his presence, his embrace………And when For the first time in ten years, he said he missed me……….. My heart wanted to melt, and disappear, the super- smart, strong women evaporated and the silly me, the stubbornly silly Me, took over and giggled like a goof. After ages, I let my guard down and felt safe.
The journey of 19.25 km lasted for 37 minutes, the 37 minutes, I was not a virtual avatar, or a carefully crafted online persona, but the true, genuine, me, Myself.
I just want to say Thank you, and I understand the fact that nothing is the same. We live on different planets. Our “once upon a time” will never have a “happily ever after”, but I own whatever was between you and me. I have no hard feelings for you and I wish you, nothing but the very best, for the future. This is life, the show must go on. You are not responsible for me, and I am not accountable for you. In you I found a Friend, a companion, a partner in crime, I can never forget you, and you don’t need to ask for forgiveness……….. It is no one’s fault.
I know you are reading this, and I know you will read it again, I wish I could just hug you close and tell you once again, how much you mean to me, and how much I care. It is time to move on now, and I still hate saying good bye. But i have to do it, not for you, but for my very own self…….. I let you go now. Go, find your happiness, while I seek mine.
If letting go, is not love, I don’t know what is………….
Once I had a heart…………….. Now I just Think, and Think, and Think……………………
13th, August, 2013.