My dreams are vivid, very vivid and they frighten me. When I wake up I can usually recall the minutiae of details, It is terrifying. Why do we dream? There are many answers, psychology, neurology, religion and culture, all have got their own explanatory theories, and then there is the “Astral Travel” thing as well.
I simply hate to sleep, it makes me lose control and forget, it takes me to a land, that is scary, a place where fears fornicate with desires, demons from the past creep out from the hidden recesses of the memory to haunt and hunt the reality of present while searching desperately for any hopes of the future. A land where thoughts talk, words walk, silence speaks, the living get lost in the labyrinths and the dead dance with delusions, denials and delinquencies , where the boundaries of imagination, inhibition and instinct amalgamate, and form incredibly insane isles of lunacy in the sordid sea of strange shores, where myths are more mortifying, mysteries more intriguing, impulses more intense, where anarchy gets organized and bizarre is the norm. Where time stands still, and centuries pass in the blink of an eye.
I don’t have a clue how did I manage to write these fancy words……and why my dreams are so derelict and disturbing. Lately I have been experiencing another perplexing phenomenon. I wake up in the wee hours of the morning in a Trans like state and crave to write. No, it is not depression that wakes me up, nor it’s the desire to feel the warmth of another human body besides me………….. It is different. I am not claiming that I get any prophecies, and I am still holding on to the last shreds of sanity (a bit bipolar, but that is ok) . Is there something like “writing hallucinations”??
The stuff that I sleep write, I cannot recall in the morning. Some of the thoughts that I do manage to put on paper are amazing and beautiful, I can’t believe I wrote them when I read them in the morning. They do not need any tweaking. My favorite pieces of this blog “Brilliantly Cursed” and “Fears of Bravado” are the examples. The only couple of thoughts that I dared to make public actually, because the rest are too fragile, precious and sacred for me. To share them will be like baring my soul………. And soul stripping is tougher and more humiliating than taking your clothes off in public. Though I do feel tempted to publish them, but I stop my shameless show off self from doing it. Perhaps I am not as strong as I pretend to be, and the scars of my soul are very unsightly and still raw.
Let’s come back to the Deeply-Dysfunctional-Dark-Drama of my dreams, or should I leave them alone and concentrate on the dreams that I see with open eyes. In real life I used to be a big time dreamer, not just a dreamer but a hot blooded go getter, I chased my dreams ruthlessly and made things happen. Yes, feel free to call me a big mouthed bragger……………. But when the dream chasers trip over reality and hit their heads hard on the cold hard ugly truth………………..It hurts.
Things are different now, this place “Now” where I am standing disoriented and confused today is scarier than Dreamville, I don’t know when I left my conscious behind and wandered into the realms of subconscious.
What, who, and which, is worth falling, fighting and following for…….. and what was, and is, meant to be forgotten………????? I know Not.
Will I be someones dream someday????
Right now I am a scary nightmare, and my head is hurting like hell.
18th, August, 2013.
Images used :
- A Shepherds Dream, by John Henry Fuseli
- Psyche’s Dream, by Josephine Wall