There is something incredibly sexy about a troubled man, especially someone who needs my help. And I think I am a magnet for that species of Malekind. Or I look out and search for them, and the minute I sense or spot a tormented, tortured soul, guess what……….surprise surprise, I fall for them.
Not just fall, I make sure they know, I have fallen. I go to large lengths to make myself available to listen to their sorrows, trying to figure out their problems, offer them a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, I am like the comfort food equivalent to all men twisted……….. Perfect fill gap arrangement for fuck ups…… the best Band-Aid in town.
I don’t know why I do that, why I feel so terribly attracted to these emotionally unstable, commitment phobic, non-keeper, not responding, unavailable, still-in-love-with-the-Ex/someone else, morons. Perhaps I am a fixer, I am a healer by profession, and sometimes I take it too literally, it is my job to make people feel better. And I am good at what I do. Whatever I Do.
These days I am torn between two, “One” is troubled, definitely, and wants and needs my help, and I genuinely want to offer any sort of support, as he is not an asshole (is CUTE), and I sincerely want him to go through this rough phase of his life, we talk a lot, about good times, bad times, old times, hard times…………and I abruptly stop, because I am scared that I will get addicted to him and his misery, and then one day, when all will be sorted for him (fingers crossed, in every way he wants)
what will I do next………?????
“Two”, is an Absolute Asshole………. and a seriously good looking, gorgeous kind of one, doesn’t need or want my help, I know he is broken and I have assumed he would love me to help him, but the problem is that he doesn’t want it. So I make sure I keep on reminding him that hey!!!!!! I am here, right here, come to me, let me take care of you, pamper you, spoil you rotten, let me fill my empty self with the pride that I made a difference in your life, and after all that…
Break my heart, ……….Please feel free to do that, because I so want this to happen, and when you are bored and done with me, and I have exhausted you with my endless attention, and suffocated you with my love and care……..leave me please…….. go fuck yourself, marry a twenty something (with the family consent), and write the happy ending of your own fairy tale……….while I sob and stuff myself with carbs, write a blog, cursing myself that why I couldn’t see that you too, are not a knight in shining armor but an idiot wrapped in tin foil….
What a MESS, and this is not even the half of it. This is a classic behavior pattern, it’s a vicious cycle, the worst part is that all the time I am busy doing the mending/mothering/smooching/wiping/attention-seeking/repairing thing, I don’t want them to come out of their misery, though I genuinely want them to get better and fixed (hahaha) I know deep down in my heart that they will not need me afterwards, and the thought makes me panic even more. It’s a huge moral dilemma (yes, I have morals, now stop smirking).
Sometimes I feel like I am a waiting room at a deserted station, where strangers come and sit for shelter, waiting for their trains to arrive, and they have a few minutes to spare, before boarding and heading to some destination. And I get that time, they are good people, some tired from carrying the baggage from the past, some euphorically ecstatic to reach somewhere special, I get a lot of visits from friends too, whenever they have time of course. But all of them have lives, commitments, duties, husbands, wives, careers, classes.
Those few minutes they spend at that boring drab place are precious, worth a lot of money. And then they leave, they have to go, on departure I am left with the impact, a few see-you-soons here, and a couple I’m- gonna- miss- you- like- hell… there, some warmth of sincerity, and sometimes the unbearable stench of betrayal. I loathe it, I hate saying good bye…..
I have nothing against any of the people coming and going to and from my life, I like them all, even the nasty heart-breakers and the shitty non responders. I understand……………As they all move around, I happen to stay, right here……….Always Available……………taken for granted.
Time for some renovation now, the “You are welcome” sign stays, but the “Use Me”……….I just took it off and dumped………………….…
12th , September, 2013.