Yes, another bizarre and random concoction of thoughts.
To be very honest I have not been able to write anything at all, the last two or three posts I updated were the ones I wrote months ago, even now when I am making these small black squiggly bits on my laptop screen my mind is completely and utterly blank, I have absolutely no idea what I am doing right now.
Thought block is strange, I have a gazillion thoughts floating in my pretty big head, but none of them is making any sense, I just want to leave, hide, run away ……… Where? How? Why? ………….. No clue!!
I am at the dangerously wrong side of thirty right now, so it is expected that I must have sorted the mess of my life, a little bit, at least …….. Fuck expectations, I hate them …………. What is the point?? You meet all the expectations and give your maximum and it is considered as your minimum deliverable. In the end, you are in competition with your own self, and one fine morning you wake up and realize that how unfair and mean the whole world is………. How hard it is to be at the giving end in every single relationship………..
This is a very wrong state of mind, I know……….. I am not a liar or a hypocrite so I admit that I am not completely selfless, I do expect returns and rewards, in different forms from different people, and when I don’t get anything, I do get frustrated. I also have a very bad habit of getting too attached to things, places and persons………… I know very well that this is life, unpredictable. Things happen, people come and go. Every person who comes in our lives has a purpose, they serve that purpose and move on, some of them stay but even that is not forever. There are a very few people who are irreplaceable, how do you identify them??
How to deal with rejection? Can someone please elaborate? What gives more grief? A bruised ego or a broken heart?
Crap ………. This is the first time in my life I have actually been aware of my age, what it is? what it means? and ultimately where it has gone. So I am trying to detach myself emotionally and analyze things to get some perspective, some direction …….. But I can’t ……… Is it ok if I just give up on everything and accept the fact that I have Lost it………………..
Probably it is not me and just the blues talking, perhaps I am too tired and exhausted physically that my mind has gone hazy, and I am unable to see the silver lining, or the light at the end of the fucking tunnel, and the bloody glass I want to smash on the floor and break…………… I miss my temper tantrums throwing angry young self……………
Is there an autoimmune disorder where your thoughts trigger the T-Cell-B-Cell discordance, or do a molecular mimicry to produce large amounts of antigens that identify your body as a foreign object and start destroying it??
5th October, 2013.
(Image Used; Thought Bubble Protozoa, by Ann Stretton)