How many times have you wanted to be the smartest kid in the class? The one who knows all the answers, understands each and every thing perfectly? Many of you, I am sure, are, or were the smartest ones, the perfectly turned out front benchers, the geeky- nerdy-chubby- types with glasses, no body wanted to be friends or play with……?? Ouch!!
I was one of those, the Fat kid with unruly hair who never knew or played any sports, because she was good at one and only one thing…..Studies. I started walking very late, my parents gave up on me as I started speaking at the ripe old age of eight months and took my first step independently when I was two (years). I hated all sorts of physical activity, still do, have never put a foot in the gym, EVER…never Ran, and given a chance will gladly lie down or sit idly for hours doing my favorite thing…..THINKING….and getting lost in my parallel universe. Did a bit of cycling though, more of a punishment than pleasure.
I never liked the books that were taught in school, absolutely hated them, read classic Urdu literature instead, and could talk for hours comparing the writing styles of Ashfaq Ahmed and Bano Qudsia when I was in 8th Grade. I memorized each and every book of Iqbal, Faiz and Parveen Shakir, and the whole Deewan-e-Ghalib…… before sweet sixteen…..and each and every Bollywood song from the eighties, nineties, naughties……(the latest one is Ghagra Ghagra……VIAGRA!!!!)
The morning I was supposed to appear in the toughest VIVA of my academic career, The Final Year Medicine Exam, I was reading “Shahab Nama” for the 5th time (I passed). The night of MRCP Final was spent with a Dan Brown…..(I couldn’t crack the code in the first attempt)
I read each and every thing, Books, Newspapers, Digests, Blogs, Gossip Mags, leaflets, instruction manuals……..Labels…..I do not have to concentrate on words, I just look at a page and scan it, and it somehow gets processed, the words acquire a shape and settle down and sink in my memory, and the gist is retained. I cannot forget, every single day of my life, I can recall, and I can actually feel it, with every vivid detail.……It is an awful lot of information, How can I get a memory wipe out? Can some one please tell me, how to un meet someone in real life? How to delete the comments, Hide the Likes and Clear the history? How to generate analytical graphs and pi charts from a spreadsheet full of pacts, passions, pretentions, predicaments, perils and Pleasures??
My intelligence is my greatest disability. Somehow my brain process things in a different manner, it derives unusual conclusions, the thoughts that race across go at such a frantic pace that they leave all sorts of sense and sanity behind. Trust me it is a dangerous place, even I don’t want to go there. The downside of having a brain, that functions, in a bizarrely different way, and is capable of focusing more intently than others, is that, it does that at the expense of emotional stability and maturity.
Growing up as a kid with an above average intellect wasn’t easy, I felt like a strange person, in a strange land………..I felt ALONE……Like I was a part of nothing, I belonged nowhere…….trapped…. Misfit…Alienated…To fit in, I taught myself to be part of the crowd, center of the attention for all the wrong reasons…I became a performer, a chameleon, a brilliant actress…I faked Normal… I craved Average… All my life, I have struggled to be someone else…Someone not special…Normal….
It does not mean I had a back seat in my life, I graduated from one of the best med schools of my country, I Hold Licenses to practice medicine in three different continents, Fluent in five languages, have basic understanding of four more, can rustle up a lavish meal, stitch an excellent dress, paint and repair minor faults in my car with the same ease as typing away an article for a journal, learnt the basics of salsa and traded my perfect talons with the rugged chapped nails for the love of playing a guitar……………..traveled half the globe on my very own…alone….earned a lot and spent it ALL…..But I got sick of this high achieving, always at the top thing, success was in abundance so it felt worthless, I somehow lost the plot, took some very wrong turns and followed the path that was destined to doom. I stopped chasing accomplishments and Failed, over and over again, to feel normal, to feel like everyone else…………… Guess what happened? I DID THAT…. Now I am the best LOSER ever!!!
No longer a bankable asset but a lost gamble……………
I still don’t know the purpose of my existence……I am too focused on being confused….and too confused to identify the focus….Battling with un answered questions and a crippling, debilitating depression every single minute.. is hard………………..I fake Normal each day…..….Average…Acceptable….And it is also impossible to stop thinking, the soul craves emotion, and thought provides fuel for it…. For ages I fueled it with Love, desire and passion…perhaps it was the wrong fuel….and now when I try feeding it with Logic and wisdom…….it gets hunger pangs….will it run smoothly on Hope & Faith??
I want to be content……and for that……….I have to seek…and find..… MY own Self….
What is life, but Contradictions, Clichés, and Chaos???…..
Brilliance is a curse………………..
2nd April, 2014.