Oh yes, the boring grocery list, I know it would be more enticing if I had written about my “Bucket List” or “Fuckit List”………But boring it is for today………….My Grocery List.
Doing groceries is an art, I could never master, it is so confusing, first, I cannot make a list, if I do, I can never find it when I reach the shop. Second, I see the things and go bat shit crazy, and since I am very un domesticated I don’t have a clue what is required and what is not, so I usually end up buying a lot of useless crap.
And I just hate this activity, because most of the time people who are doing groceries are the sane, normal, family types, AKA Smug Married Ones, the mature sensible breed doing the very grown up thing and picking carefully selected items, they know what washing powder cleans well, which soap is cheaper and what brand of diapers soaks up most of the shit. Their trollies are meticulously packed, and I get so amused when they reach the till and inspect the bill before paying it and count the change. There is nothing wrong about it, it is very cute actually, but I can’t do it.
My trolley is generally a gorgeous mess of regular coke, KnN, nestle juices, every day, ice-cream, pancake mix, shower gels, and a lot of things from the cosmetics counter. And it always costs much more than I calculated. Never mind, just swipe the Visa. When I reach home and un pack, trust me, I do not get applauded.
But the shopping I did a couple of days back was particularly horrendous, it was a tough weekend, (weekends are hard to survive honestly) , and this one was pretty bad. I woke up last Friday for Sehri (the pre dawn meal in the month of Ramadan) to discover no more precooked parathas (highly unhealthy fried flat bread) in the freezer, so I just ate a couple of kababs, the juice was finished and there were exactly three sips left in the pulpy orange bottle. The cherry on top was the compressor of my room AC got screwed, and I spilled some (a Lot) of water on my phone, and it was one of the hottest days of this summer.
I am a hard core insomniac, and usually sleep for around four hours a day, but lately I am just getting two hours or so……….. I was grumpy, grouchy, hungry, thirsty, lonely, intrigued, confused and sleepless…bitten by words, and challenged at a guessing game……. On top of the usual crazy/depressed/suicidal………not a good state of mind to do groceries – eh??
But I went, and bought an air conditioner, an HTC One, Parathas, Juice, Coke, some other things for emergency Sehri, and a lot of other stuff, that costed me, let me be very precise ….Rs 106,764/-
I am a spendohlic, I confess, but I have a way around it now. I have an urge to splurge when ever I am upset, so now I give myself allowance, if I am mildly upset I spent Rs 2500/-, moderate is 5000/- and Sever amounts to 10,000/- If I cannot find anything suitable I give away that money ………if I spent more than ten times of the severe limit, I was UPSET!!!
What was the cause?, The cause was confusion, uncertainty and the sudden rush of feelings I don’t have a name for.
It is never a good idea to go shopping empty stomach, you always end up buying food you shouldn’t be eating, clothes you shouldn’t be wearing and stuff you are never going to use. Same is true for emotions, when you are feeling vulnerable and fragile, you end up falling for the people you shouldn’t be falling for………….it is so hard to resist……………..especially when you don’t have a fucking clue what do you want, and what do you need, and is that thing that you want is actually the thing that you need, or is it the clever tag line that has lured you to buy it. You are worth it, Just do it, open happiness, have a break, The best a man can Get………all this clever jargon of advertising is actually emotional manipulation. When you open a bottle of coke, you end up swallowing eight tea spoons of sugar in a glass, when you wear a Nike, you are doing a favor to the brand, while having a break, you kit kat a lot of calories, and what do you think you are worth of?? A Shampoo??? Or a lip color?? And The best a Man can get is a bag of “toiletries”………….are you flippin kiddin me????……. Come on guys Get a grip.
And look who is talking, the ultimate consumer, the queen of shopaholics, herself………If you are what you buy, I am horribly expensive, useless designer stuff………..that every one admires but no one wants to buy………………. And then the thing with things is that, I don’t know whether I own them or they own me…………Do I possess them or am I possessed?
I drifted off again………..
Its 2:18 AM, I am sleepy, and tired, and my head is still hurting, and my wallet is sore, my debit card bruised, and there is a big hole in my rainy day savings account……….Many big holes actually, and a few small ones too.
But an achy head is easy to handle than a broken heart……………….and the holes in the pocket don’t suck you in like black holes of wandering souls.
I don’t want to fill the trolley of imagination with fantasies, I desperately want, but can not afford…………..I am ten times the severe of upset, but I have to breath, and not think about what could have been……and what chances are still out there………. Writing a blog is better than writing a happily ever after……………
I miss myself that was not afraid of falling…………
Its weekend again………….. Sigh!!!!
2nd August, 2013
(Re Published For A to Z Challenge on 8th April, 2014)