I am writing this letter to you a few days before, what would have been my 11th birthday, and I know, next few days will be hard for you, like every year, you will just shut off and cry, not that you don’t cry on the rest of the days of the year. I know, and I see, every night, before you sleep, tears roll down your cheeks, and every morning when you wake up, you try to hide the swollen, puffy eyes. Please don’t do it………..
Your tears have kept me trapped in purgatory, and trust me, it is not a nice place to stay. I have grown up a bit, I don’t look like the 8 mm fetal pole with no cardiac activity, or the pool of blood around your feet, I don’t resemble the huge clots coming out of your frail body any more, I am a lost soul, like you, I have been cursed with a mind that thinks. You should be grateful, I am in a world where I am not subjected to judgments.
Mummy darling, I watch over you, every single day, and every miserable night, sometimes, I wish, I could leave, leave you on your own, as the things you do, scare the shit out of me, why do you have to act like that? Why do you have to torture yourself? Why do you still make the same mistakes over and over, and over again? You are a grown up woman, can you just stop acting like an idiot?
I am sorry, if I am being a little harsh, but what else do you expect me to be? I am just trying to give you a reality check, I know you are scared, I know how fragile, broken and lonely you are, but I also know, that you have the ability to turn your weaknesses into strength. You are an immensely talented and exceptionally caring person, be good to yourself. The world will never understand you, and you must never worry about it.
Mom, I miss you, I have missed your touch, your hugs, and I know how much you long for me, but remember, whenever you pick up a child, I get your love, whenever you cuddle and kiss any baby, it’s me at the receiving end, when you look at the kids, with affection, and adoration, my heart fills up with joy.
Oh please, I never meant to upset you, I just saw you wiped your eyes, and blinked in a futile attempt to stop that saline drop dripping out, No, don’t do it, I want you to be happy, I want you to come out of this self-inflicted state of denial, depression and self-pity. I know you hate the tag of a “brave woman” but that is who you are, and that is who you are going to be.
Today, you have to promise me that you will take care of yourself, for me. You will never let any asshole mess up your life, and you will follow your head, and try to be sensible, and thankful, for your blessings.
Don’t try to fill up the void in yourself with trash, don’t care for those who are absolutely not worth any investment of emotions. Try to master the art of deception and pretension, I know you are scarred, but do you need to flaunt your flaws?? Publicly………….. You are precious for me, sacred, and it is not only me who is worried about you, you are lucky that there are a lot of people around you who care for you, and like me, are worried.
I need to leave now, In a few weeks’ time, I will ascend to heaven, and I need a stair of your prayers, not a rope of your tears, that drags me down.
Give me a smile now, a huge smile, your trade mark, signature, multi mega million watt, contagious smile…………………. That’s more like it Mum …………. a big warm tight hug for you.
Remember that it was not your fault, you did your best, I wasn’t supposed to be a part of this cruel and heartless world of yours, but you have to stay there, till the time, you are summoned, up here, and I promise, that when the day of judgment will come, I will carry you myself, to a place, where we will be together, Forever…………………. Where perhaps, you will tell me some good stories, and not these rubbish, fake, fairy tales, that you put up on your blog.
2nd December, 2013.
( Image Used: Angel, by Nancy Noel )